Up on the Soapbox

03 Apr

I promised myself that I would not use this blog to get on my soapbox unless it was life or death. Well that lasted four months.

The term “I have a bone to pick with you” does not cover the full depth of feeling I have on this topic. So, I have a carcass to pick with all of the women of the world!

Uh-oh, there I have gone and done it. 

Last friday, I came to the realization that all women are sneaky, deceitful, selfish, liars by omission. You have kept a secret from men for an eternity. Something so valuable that you whisper “Me precious!” to yourselves whenever it is mentioned in public. On the rare occasion that it is mentioned in the presence of men, you down play it or make it sound trivial that it should not warrant the attention of the men in your lives.

“Liars, cheats, thieves!” I scream. You have cheated me out of half of a century of experiencing this wonderous thing. For this you cannot be forgiven!

“What is it, you ask, that would make this usually jovial, forgiving man display such angst against all womankind?”

The answer is…a pedicure, complete with foot scrub and massage!

Stop laughing and let tell you a little story.

I have been complaining to the CEO of my domicile for several weeks that one of my toenails keeps splitting. I have tried everything I can think of but to no avail. Finally, the CEO said, “I know what will work. Friday we will go see a friend of mine and she will fix you right up.”


So, Friday, after work, we drove to this little strip mall and go into a nail salon.

Excuse me? What’s going on here?

The CEO gently took my hand and said everything would be alright. No one was going to hurt me. For the next 55 minutes, my feet were pampered like they were gods. I will not describe it in detail as it must be experienced to be believed. The lovely ladies did giggle to each other about my ugly feet in their native language. But it did not spoil the moment. I can not tell you the last time my feet felt as happy as they did Friday evening.

Now before the men out there demand I turn over my “Guy card”, let me say that I refused to let these lovely people paint my toe nails red…or any other color. And they did try. We men like simple pleasures. That is the truth of it.  All I am saying is that this is one the women of the world have kept from us, until now. Do not knock it until you have experienced it. So, put on your big boy britches, suck up your manhood and take a plunge. I promise you will enjoy yourself.

Lastly. Ladies, though you may be talented with words, I can promise you this; There is no poetry or prose sufficiently powerful to make me believe that a bikini wax is anything other than medieval torture. So, I will pass on that experience.

Have a nice day.


Posted by on April 3, 2012 in Other Strangeness


Tags: , , , , ,

10 responses to “Up on the Soapbox

  1. annewoodman

    April 3, 2012 at 1:59 am

    Me precious. ; ) So glad you got to enjoy a little pampering. Personally, I think just a foot massage is sheer bliss. I can do with painting my own toenails.

  2. Dennis Langley

    April 3, 2012 at 2:20 am

    The clear coat on that one nail seems to be doing the trick. I’m not sure I could bring myself to add color. Some people would never let me live that down. I do agree that the foot massage was the highlight.

  3. Elizabeth

    April 3, 2012 at 5:11 am

    If people give you a hard time, you can always say you are going to visit the chiropodist. If you like a foot massage, look for a shop that offers reflexology – awesome!

    • Dennis Langley

      April 3, 2012 at 9:19 pm


      ‘ve calmed down now. As for people giving me a hard time, I intend to just smile and whisper, “Me precious.” 🙂

      Thanks for the tip on reflexology.


  4. Christopher Patterson

    April 4, 2012 at 5:50 am

    Hmmm uhmmm ….. Dennis ….. Hand it over. I know, I know, perhaps we can give it back after we witness a few “manly” deeds. But I’m going to have to hold on to your man card until then. 😦

    • Dennis Langley

      April 4, 2012 at 9:09 pm

      As I was anticipating a backlash.

      So, during the weekend, I scratched myself, grunted answers to the CEO of my domicile, watched Kelly’s Heros, ate a rare steak, performed lawn care, performed vehicle maintenance, and shot my bow at 3d targets of furry little creatures. I have witnesses and signed affidavits to substaniate my claims. 😮

  5. coreymp

    April 25, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Nothing wrong with getting pampered. By the way, I just nominated you for the ABC Award! 🙂


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